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Tuesday, 26 January 2016

world most crazy jokes

Q: Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?
A: A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
Q: How do you make a fire with two sticks?
A: Make sure one is a match
Q. Why did the banana go to the hospital?
A: Because he wasn’t peeling well!
Q: What’s the slipperiest country?
A: Greece!
Q: Why can’t you say a joke while standing on ice?
A: Because it might crack up!
Q: Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?
A: It ran out of juice!
Q: What do postal workers do when they’re mad?
A: They stamp their feet.
Q: Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp?
A: The players dribble a lot.
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
Q: What is at the end of everything?
A: The letter G.
Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.
Q: How do locomotives hear?
A: Through the engineers.
Q: Why is tennis such a loud game?
A: Because each player raises a racquet.
Q: Who earns a living by driving his customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
Q: What two things can you not have for breakfast?
A: Lunch and dinner.
Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: Between you and me, something smells.
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
A: She ran away from the ball.
Q: What did Cinderella say to the photographer?
A: Some day my prints will come.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A: A stick.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: It had too many problems.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: It held up a pair of pants.
Q: How do hair stylists speed up their job?
A: They take short cuts!
Q: What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
A: Punch.
Q: What did the light bulb say to its mother?
A: I wuv you watts and watts.
Q: How can you tell that a train just went by?
A: It left its tracks.
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: Just in case he got a hole in one!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: I got you covered.
Q: What’s the tallest building in the world?
A: The library, because it has the most stories.
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
Q: What did the class clown take a computer to school?
A: Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
Q: Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?
A: At forks in the road.
Q: How do they serve smart hamburgers?
A: On honor rolls.
Q: What is the world’s longest punctuation mark?
A: The hundred yard dash.
Q: Why did the calendar write its will?
A: Its days were numbered.
Q: In what school do you learn how to greet people?
A: Hi school.
Q: What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?
A: Parachute school!
Q: Where does Friday come before Monday?
A: In the dictionary.
Q: What is black when clean, and white when dirty?
A: A blackboard.
Q: What kind of phones do people in jail use?
A: Cell phones
Q: What kind of driver has no arms or legs?
A: A screwdriver.
Q: What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall?
A: A ruler.
Q: Why did the computer squeak?
A: Someone stepped on its mouse.
Q: Which runs faster, hot or cold water?
A: Hot, because you can catch cold.
Q: How does the ocean say hello?
A: It waves.
Q: Why did the boy take a ladder to school?
A: He wanted to go to high school!
Q: What did the one penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?
A: Holes.
Q: What did one hair say to the other?
A: It takes two to tangle!
Q: Why would Snow White make a great judge?
A: She was the fairest in the land.
Q: Where do you learn to make banana splits?
A: In sundae school.
Q: What kind of underwear to reporters wear?
A: News briefs.
Q: What did one wall say to the other?
A: I’ll meet you at the corner.
Q: Why did the strawberry call 911?
A: It was in a jam!
Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing Arkansas.
Q: Why didn’t the girl take the bus home?
A: Because her mom would make her take it back.
Q: Why was the baseball game so hot?
A: Because all the fans left!
Q: What do you call a story about a broken pencil?
A: Pointless
Q: How do you fix a broken vegetable?
A: With tomato paste.
Q: What do you give a lemon in distress?
A: Lemonade.
Q: What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?
A: One minds the train, one trains the mind.
Q: What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?
A: You’re the only bright spot in my life.
Q: What’s a tree’s favorite drink?
A: Rootbeer.
Q: What do you call a scared train?
A: A fright train!
Q: Why did the thief take a shower?
A: He wanted to make a clean getaway!
Q: What does one bucket say to the other?
A: I am feeling pale today.
here was a man in prison he tried to find a way out, but he couldn’t. Finally, he found a way out through the cellar. So, he went through the cellar and ended up in a park. He shouted “I’m free! I’m free!” and a little girl said, “neat I’m 4.”
Q: What do you call two banana peels?
A: Slippers.
Q: Why was the boy sitting on his watch?
A: Because he wanted to be on time.
Q: What has three letters and and starts with gas?
A: A car
Q: Why can’t a bicycle stand up?
A: Because it’s two tired!
Q: Can you say Richard and Robert had a rabbit without using the “r” sound?
A: Sure, Dick and Bob had a bunny!
A man was looking for a person to paint her porch, so he hired a young lady and told her what to do. After about 30 minutes, the lady came to the door and said “I’m done.” The man asked “how did you get done so fast?” The lady said “it was hard at first, but it got easier towards the end. And by the way, it’s a Ferrarri not a Porsche.”
Q: What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?
A: No thank you, I’m stuffed.
Q: What did the calculator say to the math student?
A: You can count on me!
Q: Why did the banana split?
A: It saw the ginger snap.
Q: Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?
A: She was caught taking a brake.
Q: Why are kindergarten teachers so good?
A: They can make little things count.
Q: When are kids most likely to go to school?
A: When the door is open.
Q: What letter can you drink?
A: T (tea)
Q: When is a car not a car?
A: When it turns into a garage.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: It needed a root canal.
Q: What is always hot in the refrigerator?
A: Chili
Q: What’s the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?
A: Sherlock Bones.
Q: What did one flower say to the other flower?
A: Hey, bud!
Q: Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?
A: He had no patients.
Q: How do you cut a wave in half?
A: Use a sea saw.
Q: What did Delaware?
A: A New Jersey.
Q: Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?
A: He was caught stealing second base.
Q: How did Ben Franklin feel after discovering electricity?
A: Shocked.
Q: What do basketball players and babies have in common?
A: They both dribble.
Q: Why did the football coach go to the bank?
A: To get his quarterback.
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
Q: What kind of dress can’t be worn?
A: Address.
Teacher: Billy, where on the map is The United States?
Billy: Over there.
Teacher: Right. Now Susan, who discovered The United States?
Susan: Billy!

1.  A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2.  ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

3.  ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4.  A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

5.  A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

6.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.         

7.  Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.  The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.          

8.  Another one was:  Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.  'It's not unusual' he replied.   

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.      

10.  A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''         

11.  I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. 

12.  My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.  

13.  I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.        

14.  A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''   

15.  There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''          

16.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17.  When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''. 

18.  ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''       

19.   I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

20.   I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.          

21.   A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

22.  Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.      

23.  A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

24.  A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''     

25.  The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

26.   I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.     

27.  Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

29.   I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?'' 

30.   I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.          

31.  So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

32.  Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''      

33.  I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34.  There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35.  I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.          

36.  I backed a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.      

37.   I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''         

38.   A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster   

39.  My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''  

40.  I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

41.   Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.    

42.  I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.        

43.  You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.   

44.  A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' 

45.   I tried water polo but my horse drowned.    

46.   I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47.   So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 

48.   Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.          

49.  A seal walks into a club... 

50.   I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went  -  and I got it.









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